m Beat e lyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyric s Beat s m m m m e e e e l l l l l o o o o d d d d y y y y a Beat g lyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyriclyric e Beat
Even after I started getting tired, I couldn’t shut down. It would just start back up, that stupid cacophony of random crap. So now I’ve turned on the light. Playing my ‘favourite love songs’ playlist, which always helps me relax, for whatever reason. That’s why I said I felt kind of pathetic- y’know, just past midnight, sappy songs, writing about my feelings… that kind of thing. But none of that is new for me, so whatever. None of that is pathetic, I guess, either. They’re just things. I’ve created stigmas in my own head by reading random judgemental sentences like that in various places, and I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone else. It’s not true, any of it. It’s just me trying to fit in with what I’ve seen of the world and others… probably like me. Or thoughtless. I don’t know. I’m dysphoric, I really, really, dislike the body I’m in- it’s not just the gender thing tonight, oh, no, that’s not enough as it is- and I’m having another… inadequacy attack, I guess. I haven’t done my homework all weekend, and I have to face it tomorrow. I’m tempted to just go downstairs and borrow some of my mom’s instant coffee so I can just pull an all-nighter. Oblivion would be nice, but I don’t think it would be such a comfort in the morning when I wake and haven’t done my work.
When I’m somebody else, I don’t hate myself. Can’t even really write about my problems without feeling guilty for needing to. Never understood why it’s so hard for some people, but I get it now. I don’t even want to spin a place for myself out of words, because I’m afraid it would include other people. A sense of belonging. And yeah. Those are things that I want. But I don’t have them. I don’t get them. I don’t deserve them. I have people around me- why can’t I flipping appreciate them, instead of wishing for something else?
once upon a time/block it out/cover my ears/not listening/can't make me/not listening/you can't/la la la la la la la la
I never thought that a kiss would be so damn nice. And I know I'm gushing like a girl, but y'know what? Screw it. I liked the kiss, and I want to do it again. And I really like the guy I kissed. I’m definitely very comfortable with him. I love the way we can talk frankly to each other, easily. And while I wish we had kissed earlier, having our first one now is just fine. It’s better, now that I know him well. I don’t fall in love easily. I’ve never done so before, and it will take me a while. But this is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten. I’ve had long-term crushes, I’ve had short term crushes, but never anything like this. It's really flipping cliche, but that's okay.
I feel wretched. I know I’ve been writing a lot lately, and nobody wants to read this much of my redundant crap, but I need this. It’s like… everything is bottled up. My new addiction is the music, and I want to go back to it instead of facing how I feel. I don’t even know why I feel how I feel, only that I feel sad and abandoned and more alone than ever. Maybe I’ll just use the t-shirt sleeves tonight. Usually makes me feel wanted. Happy, ish, even. I don’t know why. Or- I do, I just don’t want to face it. Can I curl up next to someone?