The Everything Bagel

So a few days ago, I read a post.  I found it in my feed through Ms. Dixie Wrecked, but it was a repost of Domina Jen’s piece.  

It was really, really helpful, actually.  I struggle with self-confidence and self esteem quite lot, and given I’m a switch and given to wanting to be both a dom and a sub, it was difficult for me to figure out whether I’d actually be able to be a successful dom when I’m so unsure of myself.  Not even necessarily in terms of BDSM, but in terms of life, I guess.  I like being able to not question my decisions, what I say, what I do.

So that’s probably why I thought I was solely a sub, for a while.  I doubted my ability to be a dom at all, or that I could be one when I was barely able to manage myself half the time in the vanilla world.  I know I’ve still got a fair bit of growing up to do- I won’t be like this forever. New insights, epiphanies, experiences, et cetera.  But even so, I never thought I had what it took.  Thought I’d always be this nervous, self-questioning, hesitant character.

I always thought there was some big secret, y’know?  Like, something only the doms were in on, something you were born with.  And I clearly didn’t have it.

But there isn’t any secret.  

The only way you become a confident dom- or person in general!- is to just… be confident.  Anything you do, you do it with confidence, no matter what.

So I’ve been trying that.  Anytime I feel unsure, I just think, confidence.  In reference to the post.  Like, you’re not allowed to be hesitant.  You do what you’re going to do. And I straighten my posture, and I act like there’s not a doubt in my head.  And you know what?

It actually works.

I’m not saying I’m magically self-confident and assured a hundred percent of the time.  But it sure as hell helps, y’know? It also forces me to think more about my decisions. Instead of hesitantly asking someone a question, I rationally think the question through, first.  Who would be the best person to ask? Who would know best? And then I ask, and I ask the right person- without any hesitation at all.

I guess that could be a poor example.  But do you catch my drift?

It doesn’t always work.  But it’s kind of on the way to making me more of the person I want to be- and gets me a little closer to the relationship I want to have with myself, the kind I used to have.  

I don’t know what else to say.  

I started this post earlier in the day, when I was on a caffeine high.  And now I’m… well, I’m not.

But speaking of confidence, and doms, there’s a kid in my English class- I think they’re gender nonconforming or something similar; their pronouns are neutral or feminine, the way mine are usually neutral or masculine- that I would really not mind dating/subbing for (that’s the other reason I thought I was solely a sub… I really am more of a sub most of the time).  They’re kind of gently toppy, but in an understated way. But they’re still firm. If that makes sense?

Like, a week or so ago.  We were walking in the hall, and there was this yogurt spill on the floor.  I didn’t notice, so they just wrapped a hand lightly around my wrist and pulled me out of the way.  And… well, I highly doubt they’re into BDSM. But hey, I can always hope, I guess. I doubt I’d ever act on it, anyway.  I always end up liking the ones that have a distinct not-me type.

Part of it is just me, anyway.  I don’t want to date someone who likes girls or boys exclusively, because that would mean that I’m not seen as the gender that I am, part of the time.  I’d have to date someone pansexual, or bi. And I don’t really want to date binary gendered people, sometimes, because they don’t seem to really get it- the dysphoria thing, how I can look and act and talk so girl and not be girl in any sense of the word at all.  There’s always a part of me that they won’t quite understand. I mean, not that the kid from English is binary-gendered. But in general.

I know I have a boyfriend.  Musing on crushes… is that some kind of emotional cheating?  He told me he loves me, I betrayed myself by saying it back so that I wouldn’t hurt him, but in reality… it takes me a long time to fall in love.  I’m very closed off. It takes me a long time to find someone attractive as more than a vague personality and look, and to really enter the territory that would border on love.  

And again, it’s difficult for me to see my boyfriend as a real person sometimes, as horrible as that sounds.  Sometimes, he’s the representation of what I hate about my life. The way that I fit right in as a cis girl.

But he’s actually very open minded.  He’s very sweet, and I have gotten to know him better.  He loves cooking, and basketball. Music, too. We have similar tastes, but very different, as well.  He listens for a beat, and not the kind of beat I’m a fan of, either. (Just to be clear, I wouldn’t break up with him over that, which I hope is obvious, or even dislike him for it.  It’s a trivial thing.  Plus, for not-so-trivial differences, I like the fact that we don’t have all the same tastes.  Gets boring otherwise.)  I’m a melody person, and on the inside, I’m not that classy.  I love listening to risqué stuff. Not like rap, though. I tend to dislike most of the rap songs that refer to sex because they’re more about wow, this girl is so hot, I’m about to xxy.  

It’s more objectifying than anything else, in my opinion.  What I mean is songs like Systeme de Sexe by Julien-K, songs like Adrenalize by In This Moment.  Flirt (With Me) by Zeromancer fits the bill, too, I suppose.  I dunno. The lyrics are about relishing sex.  Hedonism, almost. And I love that, that relish.  It feels almost giddy, but in a sly way. Seductive.  

I also love songs about taboo stuff, not necessarily about something I find hot.  Like those by Christian Death (lyric excerpt from Burnt Offerings: No moon shining like an untouched ass of the boy next door/Beginning to feel the first impressions of a strange drug), or this one by HOLYCHILD that says I’ve got my money all around/Just take your clothes off/Make me proud.  

The second one would probably be something he’d listen to (aside from the fact that their style isn’t in general the type of thing he likes), but the first one… not so much.  At all. Christian Death takes taboo to the next level, and I relish that kind of thing.

I guess that’s the other thing about us.  He’s very sweet, but he treats me like I’ve got sensibilities to offend.  Or maybe he has sensibilities that get offended.  I mean, it’s not like anyone else knows any different about me.  I can be made uncomfortable easily, but I’m always open to overcoming the discomfort.  Even if it’s about drugs or whatever, which I’m staunchly against because we’re minors.  Marijuana? Fine, for adults.  It affects development in kids and teenagers, but there’s no mental effect on adults that use it.  The harder stuff… if not for the potential dangers (getting addicted, losing my mental acuity, etc), I’d probably do them, quite honestly.  For the experience, for curiosity, because supposedly you feel like you’ve found the meaning of life and that sounds like a really interesting experience.  

I don’t know.  I guess I don’t feel like we mesh as well?  As well as we used to.  He only fits like a puzzle piece sometimes, because I change shape.  Metaphorically speaking.

Oh, god fucking damn it.

I think I figured it out.

(Fucking finally.)

It’s because he’s too good.  That’s what’s been fucking bugging me.  Because he’s a good guy, without any kind of adventurous streak.  Not in terms of things like skydiving and such, but… life things. Like skipping school?  The one time I did skip (there was an in-school pep rally, and I had my mom’s permission because if I didn’t have it, she’d get the attendance call straight to her cell phone), I found it exhilarating.  I like trying new things, all the time, no matter how bad I stink at them. Oftentimes, if I’m worried I’ll look like an idiot, I’ll need a small push, but when that happens, I usually goad someone into giving me said push.  

But he doesn’t.  He sticks to what he knows, because he’s comfortable there.  He did try climbing with me, true. But that’s athletics. He knows those.  

Well, maybe.

I don’t know.  I feel like with the too good thing, I was on the mark, but the more I write, the farther off I am.  He’s very perfect, though. Doesn’t show any vulnerability, so in turn, I don’t show mine.  

Maybe?

My head’s all twisted up again.  There’s something, though. Something missing.  In thoughtspeak, in my head, the impression I have of him doesn’t quite fit with the one I have of me.  If that makes sense. We don’t quite match, as puzzle pieces.

So yeah.  There it is.  I like him, a lot, I just… it doesn’t really… it’s not a fulfilling relationship for me.  Saying ‘I love you’ feels like a betrayal of my own soul (even if that’s a bit dramatic, I did promise myself that I wouldn’t say it unless I felt it- and I broke the promise as well as lied), because there’s a long way to go before I really do love him, if I ever do.  I can say it to C, because we kind of… get each other. There’s a click there, with the puzzle pieces. Definitely not in the romantic slot, but in a close friend slot, maybe best friend.

I’m wary of that label, now, though, because I’ve never kept it with any of the people I’ve used it for.  It almost feels like it’s cursed. I also feel a bit needy when I use it because it’s hard to know where I stand, with anyone.  Even C- I don’t know if he feels our friendship is one of a few real ones that he has, or if it’s in that slot called best friend.  I know we’re close friends, at least.  That’s something I’m certain of on both ends.

I don’t really know anything about anything.  I don’t know if I even like my boyfriend that much, and I don’t know if I even have a legitimate reason for that.  My mom’s always telling me that I don’t like anyone because I judge them too harshly. So is that what I’m doing here?  Am I ruining a good thing because we don’t share the same tastes in trivial things?

But is it trivial?  Maybe it’s just that I haven’t seen him in a few weeks.  Well. No. I can’t talk to him about feeling like I want to die, scratch my own skin off, hurt myself.  I was close to attempting suicide a few days ago because of dysphoria (my last post. I’m okay now).  Can’t really tell him that, either- I’ll get sympathy, but when I’m feeling low, I need empathy before sympathy.  And dysphoria is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to explain to another person that hasn’t experienced it.  

He’ll react like my mom would, to a lesser degree.

I know he was depressed, but he isn’t anymore.  I think it must have been some kind of stress or something- I don’t know.  It was before I knew him, really.  So maybe he would understand. But I don’t feel like I can talk to him, because all I think would be on offer- based on what I know of him and have seen of his reactions- would be physical comfort, like hugs and such, or worry.  

Which, okay.  Yeah. That can be nice sometimes.  But not when I feel worthless. Empathy makes me feel like I’m not worthless, because I’m being treated like an adult.  Needing comfort just increases the self-loathing. Which might not be the healthiest of things, but y’know, I get enough of being treated like I don’t know my own mind, like I don’t know myself.  I don’t need more when that’s half the cause of it in the first place.

But enough about that, I guess.

The root of this is that if we were just having fun, I’d be fine with it.  But given that he’s introduced the “L“ word into this, it gets a little more serious.  And so I feel the need to treat it more seriously, more like the search for a life partner than the high school having fun that I really wish I could figure out how to have- and that’s really more practical at this point in life.  

There’s no way in hell I’m going to be a married out of high school kind of kid.  Honestly, I don’t really want to get married or think about serious relationships right now.  I just want to have fun.

And there it is, finally, after three fucking pages.  We just want different things out of this.

I’m glad I finally got to the bottom of what’s been bugging me about the two of us.  

Good night, folks.

10:29pm, March 8th, 2018- okay, so that was an insane post.  I’m sorry for ending it so abruptly, but I’ve been sleeping again, since that post on confidence.  It’s really applicable to anything, not just being a dom.  Despite the rambling (haha, the name of my blog), I’m really, really, really glad that I finally figured it out.  We just want different things out of our relationship.  He fell in love, but I was only signed up for some fun, and… well, now we’re here.  The title of this piece is because it jumps around to every single topic ever and is over three pages in Google Drive.  Longest post I’ve ever written- over two thousand words.  But it was worth it.  I apologize for the tangent about taboo and sexual music, and whatever other tangents I made, though.  It’s not super relevant, but it was part of the process of getting to the conclusion.  All right.  Good night, folks.

2 thoughts on “The Everything Bagel

Add yours

  1. Damn…. Just… Just, damn.

    I’m absolutely in love with this post.

    And I’m flattered and humbled that my post helped you. You’re right, it really is just about telling yourself, “I’m confident. I’ve got this.” And the best part is that you truly don’t even have to believe it.

    What I said about the brain being a muscle is very grossly, almost cartoonishly oversimplified, but for purposes of this discussion, absolutely true. Our brains take certain pathways, and the more they do, the stronger those pathways get. The stronger the pathways get, the more our brains gravitate toward them.

    So if you’ve been struggling with insecurity and doubt for years, yeah it’s going to take time to let those pathways weaken while the new ones strengthen. It won’t be overnight.

    And I mean, you’ll always be human. Dominants are not inhuman. I’ve been a Domme since I was 16 (I’m 32 now) and I still have moments of insecurity and doubt. I still have moments when I’m down on myself. But I like to take a line from Barney Stinson:

    “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”

    It’s not a bad thing to experience doubt, insecurity, hesitancy, etc. It’s part of the human condition to experience those things. It’s how you handle those things that makes the difference.

    And you don’t have to be a Dominant to use that confidence and charisma. Both of my subs are very confident, self-assured men. I’m actually quite attracted to confidence and self-assuredness in a sub. It’s sexy af.

    As far as your relationship, if you’re open to a stranger’s two cents, I think your concerns are absolutely valid. If you don’t feel comfortable opening up to him about the darker things, that’s way more than trivial. It’s easy to love someone when it’s all rainbows and unicorns farting cheeseburgers, but that’s not what makes a relationship strong. At some point in life, shit will hit the fan, and then what?

    I’ve never experienced dysphoria strong enough to make me suicidal, but I am familiar with that nagging bitterness that never truly goes away, and that resentment at being shoved into a box that doesn’t quite fit. We didn’t have a word for it 20 years ago. I was just a “tomboy.”

    The point is, as much as that bitterness sucks, feeling it to the point that you start thinking about the possibility of ending your life must suck so, so much worse. You need to be able to open up to someone about that. And you need to feel like the vulnerability you’re showing won’t be shrugged off by someone who prefers to keep things at the rainbow/unicorn/cheeseburger level.

    Life is ugly, and messy, and stupid, and broken. But, to be totally, unapologetically cliché, that’s what makes it beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I’m glad you liked my post. 🙂
      I’ll try to remember the bit about the human condition lending itself to at least some kind of hesitancy.
      I’m definitely open to a stranger’s two cents- that helped me, actually, in making my decision about my relationship. I don’t know if you read my latest post- but in short, I’m ending it. He’s great, but I don’t really feel much in the way of romance towards him anymore.
      Dysphoria plays a pretty big part in my life… I might go so far as to say I’m transmasculine most of the time, really. I don’t usually feel fully comfortable in feminine outfits. Sometimes I am, but I’ve been in such a near-constant state of dysphoria that it just… it gets to be too much, sometimes.
      Clichés are clichés for a reason, right? 🙂

      Like

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